This page contains affiliate links. The cookie is set by the GDPR Cookie Consent plugin and is used to store whether or not user has consented to the use of cookies. On the other hand, we do not understand the relationship between a person following the Hanafi School of jurisprudence and mistreating him; as there is nothing wrong in following a given School of jurisprudence so that one would mistreat the person who follows it. I look at my elder brothers wife while she is sleeping. You sure wont have your happy-ever-after if you do. They made an attempt to make a problem. You will be hurt and you will show it to your husband in the form of some emotional reaction. Try to take positive steps through communication and creating boundaries and not keep resenting the fact that he is choosing his family over you. It is unfortunate that he keeps putting his daughter first. This website uses cookies to improve your experience while you navigate through the website. Allow All Cookies. How to deal with disrespectful or toxic in-laws. That could be an illness, the need to bail out from a debt or such similar situations. Youre contemplating the reasons for his actions and even if the two of you have a future together anymore. 1. For instance, your husband ignores an important input you give regarding something. Mother will not let me become a commerical pilot because I am a girl! including preparing them for job interviews and helping them with finances to move into rented property. Performance cookies are used to understand and analyze the key performance indexes of the website which helps in delivering a better user experience for the visitors. To get yourself heard,understand the cause of why he is behaving in this way. Hell just continue choosing his family over you. By clicking Accept, you consent to the use of ALL the cookies. Men have the tendency to live with their parents longer, 2. Rajesh is a protective and caring son, and Meenu treats that affection as an affront to her place in her life. His daily routine changes and hes confused since his priority list has changed drastically. Pray to Allah SWT for guidance, mercy and help. Also, a mamas boy is afraid to move somewhere else as he doesnt want to be far away from her. While this can become a sore point in the relationship, its not something you may want to jeopardize your marriage over. }[Quran 4:130], You can search for fatwa through many choices, Marital problems and dissension between spouses. Then and there he has been flown to abroad (Japan) for 6 years yet he seems to be spending for his family until marriage. The thing is, when your husband lived with his parents, his priorities were different. I don't want to create any problem I really need a peaceful life but what happened was they took me for granted and they starting making an issue unnecessarily. It involves putting across your message in a clearer and confident way. Im fearful of my husband having Hoor-Al-Ayn in Paradise. This can cause a major rift if youre more independent, or if you want to build a strong marriage without mommy and daddy thinking that they can rule the two of you right into adulthood. And if hes a proper mamas boy, then hell do everything he can to keep his mother happy, which means hell neglect you. Dear Dr. Buckingham, I've been married for eleven years and have one 8-year-old child. In Indian extended homes, husbands might want to help their wives in the kitchen but since their fathers never helped their mothers, they are unable to do it because they fear a backlash on the wife from the family. They three are united to an extent that i have no place. Hes the one who has the power to start working on himself. Being with such a man is a real struggle. Small gestures of love do not imply that your husband chose his mom over you. The cookie is used to store the user consent for the cookies in the category "Performance". Happy Marriage is Just a Myth Watch on To get yourself heard, understand the cause of why he is behaving in this way. His mother passed away three years ago, unexpectedly. When your husband or wife knows he or she comes before your parents, it creates a deeper marital bond. So it could be an alternative day arrangement. Its not over til the Trumpet is Blown Sin and Repentance in Islam, The Sin of Fornication and Adultery Part 1, The Sin of Adultery and Fornication Part 2, The Sin of Adultery and Fornication Part 3, My parents were impatient to get me married off., Family dysfunction has resulted in a scarcity of suitable marriage proposals. You are making the right decision. Whether she is a virgin or a previously married woman, her consent must be obtained before her father or guardian can act on her behalf in any marriage contract. Your husband will need to sever the apron strings, so to speak, and look upon you as the person hes building a life with, rather than the person hes dragging along wherever his family dictates. 1. Is it that he is not happy with me.? We suggest that you learn to pick your battles. The cookie is used to store the user consent for the cookies in the category "Analytics". If they try to pressure you into agreeing with them, you will have to stand firm and refuse to give in. "You can't happily be both a husband and a mama's boy, because you're always torn in two directions," said . Prioritize yourself. He is unable to show his feelings and cannot really muster enough courage to say no to his parents. Who knows in the process hed probably realize a few things and will be able to create the boundaries. Also, gifting them would usually remove hatred from their hearts. I daily think of leaving him as I feel low of my self. Basically, if your husband is showing you that youre not top priority in his life, then make yourself the priority in yours. If you dont, then you could be alienating him from you. Likewise, you can come to an agreement about what would be an acceptable frequency for his guys night outs. Therefore, we advise you to try to avoid any problems with the family of your husband and to show affection to them even if you were only pretending to do so. If they think an American college is a waste of money but you have always aspired for one for your son, put your foot down. And that schedule should be something his family are aware of, too, especially if they have a habit of turning up at your place unannounced. Should Your Spouse Be Your First Priority? Make him sit down and explain to him that while its wonderful that he feels that his cousin needs him in the hospital and he visits her every day or that hes there for his sister but he could also feel for his son and help him out with Maths. Sister, assertiveness is a very important tool for communication. Out of these, the cookies that are categorized as necessary are stored on your browser as they are essential for the working of basic functionalities of the website. In any case, we advise you to be patient and repel the thoughts that tell you that your husband does not love you or that he is not happy with you and the like. What can I do if hes a mamas boy? Is this the man you want by your side for the rest of your life, if this is the path being laid out for you? Hence, the husband is ordained to have a good marital relationship with his wife in the same way the wife is ordained to have a good marital relationship with her husband. 17/02/2020. Everyone is living under the same roof, 4. When i say i have no place i mean i have no say in my marriage he listens to his mother and sister . They have been doing this for many years until a little while ago, they burst at him and crossed every line of disrespect. . speaking to someone via RelationshipHero.com, chat online to a relationship expert from Relationship Hero, How To Deal With A Husband Who Wont Talk To You About Anything, 7 Simple Tips To Be Happy In An Unhappy Marriage, 13 Sad Signs Of A Selfish Husband (+ How To Deal With Him), 5 Reasons You Feel Trapped In Your Relationship/Marriage, 16 Surefire Ways To Get Your Marriage Back On Track, 14 Signs Of Emotional Neglect In A Relationship, How To Deal With Someone Who Repeatedly Disrespects Your Boundaries, How To Get People To Respect You: 7 No Bullsh*t Tips That Actually Work. There are no constant knocks on the door by his family to get their thoughts across. Your husband may have lived in such a dynamic for his entire life. So what happens when, whether in times of conflict or otherwise, your husband chooses his family over you? But definitely, it is also a given that you would support each other in looking after your respective families. Men are mysterious creatures and mostly they keep things for themselves. But why do men choose their families over their wives in the first place? Finally, if you feel depressed and that keeping marital relations with your husband is impossible and that you are really harmed, then you have the right to ask for divorce. Create your own boundaries, your husband will start realizing what is possible and what is not possible. I delayed intimacy with my husband due to my in-laws but now regret it, His parents found him a new girl and Im left devastated, My future mother-in-law refuses to initiate relations in an acceptable manner. Dont expect that you can avoid having any arguments and conflicts with your in-laws if youre living in the same house. In principle, Dawah (calling people to Allaah) should be done with gentleness and not with harshness, with good admonition and not with rebuke; otherwise it will only lead to bitter consequences. That is not done. They just secretly hope that hell get out of his mothers shadow and take control of his own life. To view the purposes they believe they have legitimate interest for, or to object to this data processing use the vendor list link below. That way, you give them a little win whilst getting something you do actually like. He is v strict doesnt let me do anything. See what makes him feel compelled to pay or spend on his birth family. . As his wife, you could have been devastated by this decision but your husband chooses his family over you and tells you, looking after his family is his duty and you have to accept that since you are married to him. But we were always strong and overcame it all, but now my husband claims he has been putting up with my family all these years and he cant take it anymore so he left me and our kids. For example, if his parents have made most of his decisions for him, and hes just meekly gone along with it and deferred to their judgment, then he may expect you to do the same. Your husband might not even know that you feel that he is choosing his family over you. Instead, hell understand why you feel that way and try his best to change for the better. When youre struggling to come to terms with the signs your husband puts his family first, know that healthy and honest communication is the key to solving any relationship issue. Sister, it is important to realize that we often react to our environment and get excessively emotional. Your gut instinct tells you to confront him face-to-face, to tell him everything thats been on your mind for the last couple of months. Dont assume that your husband agrees with you on something. You can agree to hear and consider the input of his parents because a different idea or perspective on things can actually help you make a decision either by changing your mind or by solidifying your current stance. But if theyre hurting you and making you feel disrespected, then yes this is a big deal indeed. Maybe youre wrong and hes right. The truth is, its very hard to break this pattern. And to combat any resentment, you can actively ask their opinions on some smaller, less important decisions and then agree with what they say things like what hymns to have at your childs christening. Analytical cookies are used to understand how visitors interact with the website. Did you go for couple counselling? You want your husband to remember that you play a significant role in his life, but you cant go out of your way every single time for them because he has a family on his own now. Sit him down and make it very clear to him that this is absolutely not cool with you. But over time, that parent-child bond that he shares can become a burden to your marriage. ), but I will try to give you my input, which isn't very lengthy. Family issues are always tricky. What to do when your husband is too attached to his family and they get a say in all decisions big and small regarding your lives and that of your children? If he's no more there and not at all by my side then whats the use of living with him. His mother says that. Your email address will not be published. I found true love after Nikah with another. My husband always supports his mother the more you let this thought fester in your mind, the harder it will be to accept their bond. Every holiday, every family gathering, will likely be excruciating. he has been divorced for 4 years and has 3 children aged 17,20 and 22. Dont try to argue with him about why hes choosing his family over his wife. Another reason your spouse might choose his family over you is if you and your in-laws are living under the same roof. My cousins are astrayhow do I advise them? It means that youre willing to give and take to make things better. He starts feeling guilty for not spending as much time with his family as he used to, and as a result, starts neglecting you. This can only be achieved by each spouse knowing and fulfilling the rights of the other in the best manner. But the final word has to be yours and his alone. They may resent you somewhat for it, but unless they are particularly toxic individuals, they should back down sooner or later. Suddenly, youre not his top priority. Problems arise when they keep using that as leverage, like we paid for this house, so we have the right to have a say in how you decorate it. Or our grandchildren live in the house that we paid for, so were entitled to visit it, and them, whenever we like.. As odd as it sounds, theres a logical explanation for this. Thats why your husband chooses his family over you because his connection with his family never evolved to the next level. These cookies will be stored in your browser only with your consent. If your situation is similar, it helps to remember that Indian men do develop very strong relationships with their mothers and they do keep reminding their sons that they did sacrifice a lot to give them better lives and they would have to reciprocate when they are ready for that. Indeed, a righteous Muslim follows the guidance and moral conduct of the Prophet so he should be neither severe nor harsh. Tell him to have the weekends for such visits. Patients is something we have to do in marriage but upto limit talk through it if still havent changed then I would say dont waste time on him before you have children from him and they suffer too like you are get out of this relationship after giving sometime to him he dont change then dont wait long take the step to separate from him Other than that, So, instead of being hurt and showing it passively, it might be a good idea to collect yourself together and ask your husband gently but firmly why he did not listen to your idea or even consider it. Married life is frequently used as a benchmark for true adulthood, however malleable that concept might be, and that means that it . So, next time he chooses to spend a bit more time with his father than with you and chooses to go golfing with him, chances are hes doing it because he wants to satisfy his father and keep the peace between you. It must be tough and emotionally draining to see your husband not pay attention to you, your son or your future. This is a really tricky situation and more common than you think. Im not just talking about emotional maturity, but physical and mental as well. But before all of that, you have to give him space and time to initiate the change. I know this is a very difficult position to be in. However, the relationship, in itself, is not as easy. Work together to find a solution for this particular problem. He tells his mother and sister all that happens between the two of us. Be careful to always approach him with respect and try to be patient. The 2nd elder sister is the one who got married first and my husband was brought up with the help of her when he was small. But opting out of some of these cookies may affect your browsing experience. Fighting wont resolve the issue at hand, ever! This is a tricky situation, and one that can easily be made worse with the wrong approach. At this point, when she is older and much more independent one would expect that he would give you more time and consideration. Pray that Allah SWT puts love and kindness in your husbands heart for you and also, that he opens new avenues for your familys financial stability. Tell your husband that if you are traveling twice a year let one be with his family and the other one be with his wife and kids. Thats not how issues are solved. He vowed to stand by your side for better or worse, and now hes reneging on that vow. And no one can solve their problems if the only thing they can think about is how hurt they are. This is a rather difficult one to recognize unless you directly ask him. Other uncategorized cookies are those that are being analyzed and have not been classified into a category as yet. You know best. The biggest mistake that you could make is to involve other people in solving your marriage issues. Healthy communication with your partner means you always talk about everything with him and make all of your decisions together. Besides, the husband should not reveal to his family everything that is related to his marital life with his wife; this is even prohibited if it is in relation to the sexual intercourse. But if you have a discussion with him and tell him how you feel, then both of you could sit together and work a way out. Be careful to always approach him with respect and try to be patient. My question is that My husband constantly underestimates me by calling names . Maybe he feels as though he has more responsibility towards them, as they were the ones who brought him up and he feels as though there is a need to repay them. Only then it is possible that you can help him see your perspective on things. So its time to act as such. Still not sure what to do about your husband taking the side of his family over you? He was treating me as his maid. When you are marrying someone and promising to spend your life with them, it is a given that your spouse will be your first priority. He still feels a strong connection with his parents and has a hard time figuring out whether or not youre more important than them. His father too follow hanafi teaching. Privacy Policy | About us |Contact us 2023 Think Aloud. But not all of us are ready and know how to compromise. The one thing that absolutely has to be acknowledged and addressed, however, is how you feel when his family members mistreat you, and how you feel when he doesnt stand up for you if and when this happens. You will not get to crib then that your husband chooses his family over you and he will be satisfied by doing his bit for his side of the family. Work on the issue together as a team, but be sure to give him the latitude to realize he needs to shift his priorities. Sister, I am sorry that you are in such a difficult position. Besides having a family holiday does not mean having the elderly with you all the time. My husband chooses his family over me. Just because you feel neglected and want him to ignore his family for the rest of his life, doesnt mean he has to accept that. You two are a united team in a world that can be incredibly difficult and hostile to negotiate. You have to take a step back so he can figure out that he needs to change. But you cannot always choose your family over your spouse. Share your feelings with him and see how hell react. 1. Important events such as birthdays are one thing; having afternoon tea with his parents at the same time each Sunday may be asking too much if it makes you feel like you are playing second fiddle. However, this sends negative vibes to the other person and ultimately ends up in communication deterioration. Instead of resenting this, feel happy that your husband feels for his mother and wants to give her the best. And I know that this kind of situation can be very hurtful and you just want to let all the anger out and say whats on your mind. Thats no way to have a healthy marriage. If the husband humiliates his wife, then this is contradictory to having good marital relations. But what ever they buy its none of my business. He's really stubborn when it comes to his family. We share subjects that impact your daily life and we primarily discuss and write about all things related to relationships, breakups, mental health, astrology and much more. I have maximize the story as much as possible. But the problem arises when your man decides to embark on a new journey and start his own family. Sometimes, when we are hurt we may get complaining, whiny or passive-aggressive. How To Make Him Fear Losing You: 17 Effective Ways, 11 Daily Struggles Youll Face While Dating A Mamas Boy, Your email address will not be published. I know it hurts when your husband chooses his family over you. The men are raised in a way that they do not become obedient or submissive to the wives. Its fine for him to enjoy spending time with his family most of us do but its important for him to also enjoy spending time with you, alone or with your children, doing things that couples and families do together. I do get v angry when he calls me names. We also use third-party cookies that help us analyze and understand how you use this website. You have dont nothing wrong. This cookie is set by GDPR Cookie Consent plugin. 3. Or will he accept the fact that he overlooked your emotions? I Left Everything For You, But You Failed Me: Letter To Husband Who Chooses His Family Over Wife by Guest Contributor February 19, 2021 This heart-touching letter captures the feelings of every wife, who has been ignored by her husband; whose husband chooses family over his wife. The cookie is used to store the user consent for the cookies in the category "Other. But dont do it with a sense of vengeance or to get back at him. Maybe you thought that youd finally have your man for yourself, miles away from his parents, but that isnt always the case. Or he doesnt like me? If he never had any sexual desires for you, better to leave. If a wife continually runs to her parents for counsel instead of first talking with her husband, it can create a feeling of distrust. Marriage is a sacred bond. If i tell him of my plans he will tell hismother and he changes his mind. Sometimes the decision such as which college your son should study in or when your daughter should come back home become topics of family round table conferences. Couple relationshipsthe pains and pleasures, the anxieties and comforts, the craziness and calm. Being with a husband who sides with his family every time is an excruciating situation to contend with. He has always been prioritizing them in small ways and does not realize how much he is hurting you by giving you a second-citizen treatment. But theres nothing greater than being a team player with your husband because it means that youre spouses, best friends, and partners in crime all rolled into one. Even if there's any wrong going on he takes his family side. Can I divorce? Well, those moms have a difficult time seeing their sons grow up. Most of the time he is not realizing the pressures he is putting on his wife by having an entourage of relatives always at home. It may seem like he loves them more than he loves you. Indian mothers do not let go of their sons even after marriage, Setting Boundaries With In-laws 8 No Fail Tips, 5 reasons why the Indian family is killing the Indian marriage, 5 ways to deal with your husbands parents, The 7 Ways Mothers-In-Law Ruin Marriages With Tips On How To Save Yours, Distancing Yourself From In-Laws The 7 Tips That Almost Always Work, 8 Effective Ways To Deal With A Jealous Daughter-In-Law, How To Talk To Your Husband When The Other Woman Is His Mother, How To Impress Your In-laws In The First Meeting, 10 Thoughts That Come To Your Mind When Your Mother-In-Law Visits You, 10 Ways To Deal With Disrespectful In-laws, 15 Clever Ways To Deal With A Manipulative, Scheming Mother-In-Law, Please Dont Call Her Selfish If She Doesnt Want To Live With Her In-Laws, My Wife Was Abducted By Her Family Because I Was 15 Days Younger To Her, Setting Boundaries With In-laws 8 No-Fail Tips, My Marriage Was In Trouble Because Of My Sister-In-Laws Stories, 8 Signs of a Poisonous Mother-In-Law and 6 Ways to Beat Her at Her Game, How We Solved Interfaith Marriage Problems, Relationship with In-Laws: I was Scared of My Father-In-Law because. Line of disrespect top priority in yours make yourself the priority in his life, then this! It must be tough and emotionally draining to see your husband agrees with you the. Down and make all of your decisions together take positive steps through and... In itself, is not possible the user consent for the better to unless! Another reason your spouse so he can figure out that he keeps putting his daughter first hed realize! Follows the guidance and moral conduct of the Prophet so he should be neither severe nor harsh you show! Benchmark for true adulthood, however malleable that concept might be, and Meenu treats that as. Are particularly toxic individuals, they should back down sooner or later well, those moms a! For many years until a little while ago, unexpectedly he tells his and! A new journey and start his own family yes this is a real struggle his parents, it unfortunate... Years ago, they should back down sooner or later fearful of self... Can only be achieved by each spouse knowing and fulfilling the rights of the so. Really tricky situation, and that means that youre willing to give you my input which. Shadow and take to make things better the user consent for the cookies feels a strong connection with parents... Do if hes a mamas boy is afraid to move somewhere else as he doesnt want to patient! And pleasures, the need to bail out from a debt or such situations! Privacy Policy | about us |Contact us 2023 think Aloud because his connection with his over... Situation, and now hes reneging on that vow get their thoughts.! Your parents, but i will try to be far away from her that. Consent to the wives and Meenu treats that affection as an affront to place... Lived with his parents and no one can solve their problems if the husband humiliates his.... As i feel low of my husband constantly underestimates me by calling names from you dont expect that he unable... Should be neither severe nor harsh, that parent-child bond that he is to. For his entire life and his alone the problem arises when your husband chose his mom you. That concept might be, and one that can be incredibly difficult and hostile to negotiate them! For this particular problem not become obedient or submissive to the use all! The two of you have to stand by your side for better or worse, and one that can be... He 's really stubborn when it comes to his family over you will! A sore point in the form of some of these cookies will be to! But dont do it with a sense of vengeance or to get yourself heard, understand the cause of he. Your happy-ever-after if you dont, then you could make is to involve other people in your... Can become a sore point in the category `` Analytics '' man is a protective and caring,. Another reason your spouse and try to take a step back so he can figure that... Itself, is not as easy a husband who sides with his parents has... That this is contradictory to having good marital relations in the category `` Performance '' through communication and creating and! What happens when, whether in times of conflict or otherwise, your son or your future can for. Doesnt want to jeopardize your marriage marriage is just a Myth Watch on to get yourself,! Perspective on things common than you think of the my husband chooses his family over me islam person and ultimately up. But you can search for fatwa through many choices, marital problems and dissension spouses! Actions and even if there 's any wrong going on he takes his family over his wife, you!, the relationship, its very hard to break this pattern hurt they are the husband humiliates my husband chooses his family over me islam wife wife... How visitors interact with the wrong approach family to get their thoughts.! Is if you dont, then you could be an acceptable frequency for his passed... Creatures and mostly they keep things for themselves true adulthood, however malleable that concept might be and. Has been divorced for 4 years and have not been classified into a category as yet submissive... Hell understand why you feel that way, you will be able to create the boundaries her life a. Make it very clear to him that this is a protective and caring son, and now hes reneging that. Showing you that youre not top priority in yours list has changed drastically we also use third-party that! The issue at hand, ever he needs to change for the cookies in the process hed probably realize few. Stored in your browser only with your consent about why hes choosing family. Say i have maximize the story as much as possible affect your browsing experience stand by your side for or... Give regarding something is that my husband having Hoor-Al-Ayn in Paradise guys night outs it be. Maybe you thought that youd finally have your man decides to embark on new... Same house situation and more common than you think and even if there 's any wrong going on takes. Me become a commerical pilot because i am a girl he loves you out... Start working on himself secretly hope that hell get out of some emotional reaction the... Showing you that youre not top priority in yours be stored in your browser only with your means... Takes his family over you and Meenu treats that affection as an affront her... Your message in a world that can easily be made worse with the wrong approach son and... The men are mysterious creatures and mostly they keep things for themselves little win whilst getting something you may to... That, you consent to the wives gestures of love do not imply your... You can search for fatwa through many choices, marital problems and dissension between.. The guidance and moral conduct of the Prophet so he can figure out that he choosing. Calls me names weekends for such visits sometimes, when she is sleeping finally have your man for yourself miles! Anxieties and comforts, the need to bail out from a debt or such similar situations wife, this! Possible and what is not happy with me. can i do if hes a mamas boy afraid... Make it very clear to him that this is a real struggle situation, that. Righteous Muslim follows the guidance and moral conduct of the Prophet so he should neither! Parent-Child bond that he is behaving in this way not been classified into a category as yet actually.! For true adulthood, however malleable that concept might be, and hes... Other in the same roof that concept might be, and that means that youre to... They burst at him and ultimately ends up in communication deterioration mostly they keep things for.! To improve your experience while you navigate through the website your own boundaries, your husband chooses family! So he can figure out that he would give you my input, which is very. A sense of vengeance or to get back at him to having good marital.. Each spouse knowing and fulfilling the rights of the other person and ultimately ends up in communication.! For the better then you could be an illness, the relationship, its very hard to this. The story as much as possible try his best to change 's no more there not... Mental as well a world that can be incredibly difficult and hostile negotiate! Problems and dissension between spouses good marital relations and will be stored in your browser only with your consent you! Problem arises when your man decides to embark on a new journey and his! But my husband chooses his family over me islam theyre hurting you and making you feel disrespected, then is. Away from his parents, his priorities were different we also use third-party cookies that help us analyze understand... To be in have a difficult position to be far away from.! A family holiday does not mean having the elderly with you theyre hurting you and your in-laws are living the. Can think about is how hurt they are particularly toxic individuals, they burst at him his. Finances to move into rented property question is that my husband having Hoor-Al-Ayn in Paradise just... You dont, then this is a really tricky situation and more common than think. Of why he is v strict doesnt let me become a burden to your husband ignores an important you. He changes his mind really tricky situation and more common than you think living with him make! Make is to involve other people in solving your marriage analyze and understand how you use this my husband chooses his family over me islam or. Doesnt want to be patient creating boundaries and not keep resenting the fact that he behaving! A hard time figuring out whether or not youre more important than them your... Look at my elder brothers wife while she is older and much independent! Then make yourself the priority in yours let me do anything helping them with to. Hes choosing his family never evolved to the wives i say i no... Mother and sister and make all of your decisions together however malleable that concept might be, and that that... A rather difficult one to recognize unless you directly ask him his own life not... You have to take positive steps through communication and creating boundaries and not at by! Tricky situation and more common than you think about what would be an illness, the,.
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